I'm not sure how this will look for my last 412 days of undergrad nursing school but I have missed my space here on the net. So I will try to share more. Maybe just pictures but at least glimpses into our lives! I feel like I have less to say after a miscarriage last Fall and more to see and do.
Well, I'm back! Ashby is now a year old and has taught me so much. When I had her I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I was now a mother. When my first was born I was in shock. I hadn't planned to have kids and I was full of fear. When my son was born life was very rocky and he was well loved but lost in the shuffle. Then came Ashby. I think the fact that she was born while living with friends in California set me up to be more focused and introspective. I didn't have a to-do list. I was being taken care of by someone else. I was surrounded by love. And then when I met her and the weeks that followed I was surprised by how I was now a mother first. That at my core I was a mother, to all my children. As a result I really slowed down, while staying very busy. I think the lesson I learned most was to try and only do one thing at a time. I am still working on this but I now see multi-tasking less as something to brag about and more as something to minimize and only use when necessary.
When I am able to focus on one thing I get better results, stay calmer, and am happier. I have missed blogging and plan on being back in this space more.
I have been gone for so long that I thought I would reintroduce myself: I am a mother of three who is in the process of becoming a midwife. I am currently in my third year of nursing school to get a BSN and then move on to graduate school. I homeschool my children because my oldest who is in Kindergarden is very artistic and would not thrive in the public school environment. But, I am not anti-school. I also homeschool because I live in a very homogenous area outside of Cincinnati and I do not want her to grow up thinking that the whole world is white. I am learning to be a mom and learning how to be a grown up. And that is what my 30's are for! There will probably be a little of everything on here but right now I am focused on working on my parenting, my health, and my photography.
Here is Ashby on her first birthday. In hr IKEA rocking chair we bought her!
Ashby is one and two weeks tomorrow and I still haven't posted. IT has been a long July. I am thinking about revamping the blog and starting back in August. We have had a death in the family, two sets of company, and a little girl turning one. I miss blogging and have big goals in my life that would be good blog fodder. I find it was so much easier to blog when I was pregnant because I had a consistent topic so look for me to be back, new and improved... :)
She is here. She is finally here and I have been too in love and overwhelmed to type out an official post. Plus, I wanted to wait until we stopped long enough to listen to what she said her name was. We didn't calm down enough until yesterday to properly understand that she wanted to be called Ashby Elizabeth. We had spent the last few nights before she was born talking about names during dinner. Then on July 13th she was born at 2:42 pm after 14 hours of labor. There had been many previous nights of labor and so we were not totally sure that would be the day, when I woke up at 12.30 in the morning with contractions, again! After she was born and we discovered she was in fact a girl. Names started spilling from my dear friend's Mason's mouth, along with the tears from her eyes. We were waiting for the next part of labor, the placenta and all just cuddling and amazed that we had been given such a great gift. This is us at that time. Little girl is only a few minutes old. One of the first names mentioned was Daisy and that really struck me. Daisies are very significant to us. They are our wedding flower and I always think of that when I see gerber daisies. Ashby was mentioned and I said that sounds like a boy's name. Other names were mentioned over the next day but none stuck. The more I looked at her the more I felt like Ashby should be her name. Ashby is a street in Berkley so it is also sort of an undercover hippie name. Which fits since we are into the homebirth and everyone in Ohio thinks we are total hippies (they have a very general understanding there.) I started to love the name because it was unique. I had never heard it before. I looked it up online and it was not in the top 1000 names for any decade. Ashby came into the world in her own way. She has a very special story and we were very protective of her having a homebirth. I don't think she will ever meet anyone else who was driven in utero across the country to stay at an Auntie's house and then be delivered by that Auntie, in her home. So Ashby became the name. And Elizabeth is from me. I feel such a special bond with her, just like I have with all my children. And sharing a middle name makes us tied in a way that is special just like you are specially tied to your first son, first daughter, and probably every child in some way. So that is it. Ashby Elizabeth is here. At exactly 42 weeks gestation, after spending the previous day at the beach hoping we would meet soon she was born the next day. She was 8 lbs. 2 oz. and 20 inches long. She looked perfect and not at all overcooked. Although she had very long fingernails. She nursed for two hours after being born. I can't stop looking at her and we are all doing great. More later, when she has slowed down growing just a touch. (The red bruising on her face is because she had a sort of rough ride out. But, it doesn't bother her. (The girl sure does love those fingers! I felt her hand in her mouth almost my whole pregnancy!)
I go overdue. This is not a surprise that I am still pregnant. I am OK with it most of the time. I get irritated with other people more easily. Well meaning comments that normally I would be able to filter. Yesterday I had a conversation with my stepmom who I love dearly but, who I am trying to talk to less now that I am overdue. My Dad and her remind me to call them when I am in labor and call to see how I am feeling. Yesterday she told me about a dream she had that I had twins. She said the thinks "it is because I am so massive this time, she means huge." I am bigger this time. But still so much smaller than most pregnant women.
I was telling Mason about it and she said every pregnant women just needs to hear how beautiful they are and that's it. None of this worrying about the baby being overdue, assuming that they are uncomfortable. Let's just focus on their glow.
Other things I wouldn't mind hearing: I can't tell you are pregnant from behind. You are carrying this baby with so much grace (meaning I am not waddling, which I'm not.) That baby must know how safe and loved it is to want to stay inside. You look like you are doing a great job being pregnant. I am sure that when you and the baby are ready you will have a wonderful birth.
I have started telling people that I already have the baby when they ask and that I left it in the car. I need more snappy comments. So pass them on! Still gestating in sunny CA.
40 weeks today. Now we begin the waiting game. Bleh! I really hate due dates. Because really they don't mean anything. But, at the same time they change everything! Now I can't call friends or family because they will automatically think I am in labor, or had the baby. Also time changes. Before today I would have been early, tomorrow will begin being late. Just counting days. 1 day late, 2 days late, 3 days late...on and on in a never ending marching order. Even though this is a third baby I feel like I will be totally surprised when I go into labor.
We made it to CA just fine last Sunday. The trip was pretty uneventful. Ryan had thought we would be able to drive straight through. That I would be able to sleep in the car and he would drive at night and then I would be able to drive during the day. Obviously the man has never been 9 months pregnant! There was no sleeping in the car. We made it to Bloomington, IL the first night. The second night we slept in Cheyenne, WY, and then the third night we slept in Lovelock, NV. We tried to sleep in Winnemucca. But they had the National High School Rodeo Championships going on and every hotel was booked. Nevada was the hardest state, in my opinion. First off there are not lot of bathrooms to stop at. A 9 month pregnant woman squatting on the off ramp of dead end exits is not a graceful thing to watch. At one stop it was so windy Ryan had to come help me balance (all in the middle of the night, so you can visualize easily.) So he came around to help me stay upright. It was slightly raining too. He stood in front of me at first but decided the wind was too strong and that it would be better to have me sort of block the wind a bit. I don't think he realized my hair was whipping the exact direction he decided to move to. So while I was midstream with pregnant lady bladder control he moved downwind. Bad Idea. At first he thought maybe it was just raining harder, on his ankles. Then the pieces fell into place. He ended up purelling his ankles and feet before we drove off. I told him urine is fairly sterile, but that didn't really comfort him. I think it is the yellow color of it that threw him. But, it was dark so he should have been fine.
This is how trips are for us. A lot of fun. A lot of memories. I do so love him! And am glad we can joke around. I think a big part of the foundation of our marriage is crazy road trip stories. So that is all from here. Back where it feels like home waiting for baby and hubby who flew back to bank vacation days. I know how crazy others, and even I, think it was to not just have my baby in the hospital in Ohio. But, now that I am here I know I made the right decision. I am doing this for the baby, for me, and because I believe in homebirth and every woman's right to choose what is bast for her in birth!
If you also blog I thought you would find humor in this. One of the things I love about typepad is that when you are really bored you can check your stats. It shows in general where people come from to view your site. My favorite is when people find my site through a search. Here's the humor the two people who found my site through a search today searched for: "babes" and "Taboo Sexy Mamas." The funny thing is when you click on the reffering site it shows you the other search results. You can fill in the blanks for what they were and how mine was probably a big disappointment! Happy blogging.
As I sit here with my belly swollen and stretched beyond belief I realize that the fear and anxiety that usually is keep deep down under a lid has been pushed out. It feels like in pregnancy that you are full of fear about what to expect or about the baby and if it will stick around. It all fits inside though because the baby is so small. As time goes on the fear, the anxiousness morphs to be about other things but you can somehow still hold it tight between your tailbone and your growing child. Then..you get to the end and the fear that had come up as heartburn or hiccups in small spurts flows over you as if your water has broke. But, it is your fear waters breaking. I think that when they talk about how your body gets looser with each pregnancy they are also talking about how much harder it is to hold in the worries. There is something that I have heard midwives refer to at times called the third baby syndrome. For the mother who has two wonderful babes already they begin to guess their body will betray them and something will be wrong. That also gets coupled with the primal protective urges that you are free from in that first birth. They are there that first time but now you see the older children as too big and mean and want to only protect the youngest. The first time you just want to protect your child from the big bad world "out there" not "in here" with you sitting on your lap. They can, these loved babes, in the blink of an eye go from being your sweet baby to being a monster that wants to get rid of and hurt the baby and is now double the size they were before you began to push. This too, may not be talked about, but I notice it to be pretty universal in conversations with new moms. It is like birth and morning sickness though: You forget.
For me nighttime is always scariest. I don't lay there worried so much about the baby, well just a little, I lay there worried that ever bit of gas is labor starting that the hard kicks that still come and hurt are maybe contractions. I worry that this baby will be born in Ohio and then I worry that Ryan won't be there for the birth and then I worry that the baby will be born in California or on the way out there. I forget everything I know about birth and pregnant women and I simply am a pregnant woman. I think that has been the hardest thing about living in a state where they prosecute midwives as felons currently, that as I try to be my own midwife I can not separate that I am a the client. I am the pregnant woman. I can be objective, palpate, ausculate heart tones, measure fundal height, monitor and chastize myself over my diet, take blood pressure. But, I can not sit there and hold my hand. It just doesn't work. I can look at my fears and say they are unwarranted, but I can't give the comfort that makes the feelings go away. So, I try to remain calm. I don't think I will be there until July 4th though when Ryan flies into CA and we are able to have a homebirth the way we want and everyone is present and accounted for. And then I do think I will be able to get a lid on most of my stress and anxiety until the baby is born and totally when I am tucked into my own bed, back home, nursing, and sleeping, and getting cut fruit broght to me with a more room for the new fears that come with being a new mother, again.
I am able to have a man listen to my irrationalness and give some empathy and love. Because I have a husband that is that good. He is that good during the day. At night though, when I crawl next to him crying and manipulate his arms so that he is holding me and helping me hold the fear in...well, he's a hard sleeper and not much better than a doll. So, deep breath and I will try to keep holding my own hand until we leave next Friday and get there the week after.